I have never done this...asking for prayer help

[12Horse Paladin 1,038]

Today is a big day. A bad day.

I know others have it worse. But my world is imploding...has...& today/tonight, it will come to a head.

Without going into all the details, I will say I am battling depression, as well as...suicidal thought, call it what it is, I guess. I started meds last week...but the jury is still out.

Its just me n Clara here. 

So im asking for prayers, of any kind. Be it for strength; guidance...anything.

I just hope to see this day through.

In closing, I will add: many of you here...I think of beyond friendship. Family. So I want to be honest with you all:

I own my mistakes; my shortcomings. They have cost me everything. I try to do better daily, but these last few months...ive lost more ground than gained it.

And I know im to blame for most all my troubles; noone else. But ive never wanted to hurt any1, tho I know I have. 

But I cant set this right...I wont be let.

And I am having a very hard time of things, rightnow.

If this gets deleted for being too personal, I understand.

But I ty for reading & being here, all of you.

Just because...a Clara pic from 2 Halloween 's ago...that the ex took.

Edited November 2, 2020 by 12Horse Paladin
Added pic

[Stormin 9,981]

 I'm sorry for your plight and also sorry I can't pray, not being a religious man.  I'll leave that to others on here and I'm sure many prayers will be offered.

 Depression is something I'd wish on no-one. I've been there myself after my second marriage broke up. All I can say is try and be strong. Keep busy and think of Clara. What would she do without you to look after her?

 

[The Tuul Crib 7,336]

I will definitely keep you in my thoughts

here! We all share a commonbond here with these tractors

and are here for each other! 
One. Big. Family!!!

Hang in there brother!

[Tractorhead 9,064]

I think Prayer‘s only will be not Strong enough to support you, i know that from my last MIL,

but if they can help, i will sent you some Prayers over the Big Pond.

Prayers for strenght, Prayers for health and Prayers to forgive.

 

Your memories on Clara, are a good sign, it seems to me she will be a strong Part of your life and maybe an Anchorpoint

and she will be allway‘s with you in your Mind. That Are memories nobody can take out of your Mind.

 

Peoples maybe made sometimes mistakes that‘s a fact and everybody is allowed to make a mistake

but to realize you made any and give an excuse for them is a upright statement, not everybody can give.

 

Depressions are sometimes very hard to diagnostic and lot‘s of peoples don‘t understand reaction from an depressive person

or missinterpreted them, but i can not imagine that the guy‘s here on Redsquare fit in that scenario.

I Think i’ll be right with my assessment of the Guy‘s here they be on Red Square when i be sure

they will support you as much as they can.

That dang Covid will change our all Lifes, sometimes more as we like to Accept or we can dealing with, but we have to.

 

 

That is what i have seen and learned on this Website so often,

open minded persons with strong reputation in support, independent of that what was happen.

 

Keep your head up high, all the best to you

Regards 

Stefan

 

 

 

 

 

[nylyon-(Admin) 7,269]

Jason, you have our prayers and support. I don't know what you are going through or how you're feeling, but you mentioned suicidal thought.  If you're feeling a lot of emotions right now, it's okay. And if you need someone to talk to about them, know that the caring counselors at the Lifeline are available 24/7 at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).  Please reach out to them, they can help you get through this time of difficulty. 

 

[12Horse Paladin 1,038]

@nylyon...I have used the number. And I thankyou. But the talk...I already know most of it. Sadly...and I am NOT blaming anyone, just stating...this thing...with this house, with the past 10yrs, with my ex...we both have problems. Only, she is...harder...than I. Cold about...everything, to do with me.

And i am not handling any of these past few months well, or this, well at all😔😪

I did not want any of this.

I did not know...she saw me as she does, till it was toolate.

N thats hard to deal with, too.

Edited November 2, 2020 by 12Horse Paladin
Added txt

[lynnmor 7,302]

We all care... a lot!  We are physically distant, you need someone close by to determine what you need.  Try the phone number again and ask for referrals to locals that can see you.  Medication, counseling or just plain friends, whatever, get hooked up.

[roadapples 6,983]

Hang in there. It may not seem like it now, but things will get better.

[12Horse Paladin 1,038]

@lynnmor...I may try it again tomorro...tonight I will be having a talk...meeting, I dont kno...with Pam.

@roadapples...I ty. As it sets, tho, in alot of ways...I may have given up...

Its rocky, rightnow, my mind, these past few weeks...this/these situation(s).

I admit to being lost..

And tho I've been turning to Him...God...

well...ik he has alot on his plate.

I just want, n wanted, to do the right thing.

 

 

Edited November 2, 2020 by 12Horse Paladin

[oliver2-44 9,696]

Jason, you have my prayers for strength.  I have a son who went through a lot of serious depression in college and continues to deal with it.  With this COVID thing, he's been unemployed for 6 months after graduating with a double degree.  He's working small jobs here and there, getting by.  I ask you to pray for him.  I can't say I understand what your going through. But I do understand that it's real.  I understand  when you say you know the resources and the talk, but it's important that you keep reaching out.  Your belief in a greater God is a blessing, and I encourage you to focus on that belief. Make him your ROCK. You are the only one on your Gods plate.  If your house has too many memories right now, go seek out your church or a shelter for the night.  Change your scenery.    

PS go visit your Horse's with Clara. Surround yourself with the things you Love.  They need you to care for them.

[12Horse Paladin 1,038]

@oliver2-44 i will gladly pray for your son. I can assure you, it is real. Ive dealt with it most myblife, on & off, but with recent catalysts the likes of which I've never had thrown at me, been accused of, & etc...this is the worst I've ever been.

I would not wish it on the devil himself.

I would be glad to seek out other surroundings. Perhaps after. But I have to settle this somehow with her. We have to come to an agreement of some sort. I owe her that, n so much more, still.

 

You said 'surround yourself with the things you love'. Well...that is still Her.

 

Edited November 2, 2020 by 12Horse Paladin

[953 nut 55,093]

19 minutes ago, 12Horse Paladin said:

And tho I've been turning to Him...God...

well...ik he has alot on his plate.

I just want, n wanted, to do the right thing.

Our lord is a merciful and forgiving God. You need to begin by forgiving your sef for your transgressions, big or small. That was one of the most difficult lessons I ever learned, but it is life altering. During my darkest days I learned the Serenity Prayer and if taken very literally and applied to your daily life it can be a positive influence. 

 

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as Christ did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen. 

[Yossarian 208]

That's a good looking pup, what is she? She looks like a sweetheart.

 

[Mikey the Monkey 697]

@12Horse Paladin... Keep talking to God. He loves you. He always provides for us what we need. Keep going to church. Pray for yourself, pray for your foes

[Alex175 784]

@12Horse Paladin my thoughts are with you, and thank you for reaching out to the community.  It can be very hard to open up about depression and suicidal thoughts, but by sharing your struggles others can help carry the load.  There is no shame in asking for help, and as you can see there are many here who care for you.  As others have mentioned please call the hotline and talk to someone, they have the greatest tools to help.  

 

Please also talk to your doctor that prescribed you the medication you just started, some anti depressants can have bad side effects in certain people, please discuss this with them on the off chance that this may be happening with you. 

 

 

[Bill D 1,908]

2 hours ago, Mikey the Monkey said:

@12Horse Paladin... Keep talking to God. He loves you. He always provides for us what we need. Keep going to church. Pray for yourself, pray for your foes

Keep praying.  God loves you.  Spend time reading your Bible.  If you can't go to church, find someone good to watch. I like to watch Greg Laurie's harvest crusades on You Tube.   Bill  

Edited November 3, 2020 by Bill D

[Achto 27,509]

Jason, I know a little bit about your situation & it's not the best for sure. I can not say that I know what you are feeling, because I'm not you. I will say that I can relate. I will pray that you are given the strength to get through this tough time. Please take care of your self. 

[johnnymag3 2,515]

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, we may not see it....but it is there. Just hang in there and you will see that its there....sooner than you think.. God Bless you and everyone around you....Things will get better....WE LOVE YOU AS YOU ARE....and for that we need you. Stay strong, and hang on...it will be better tomorrow, one day at a time. love the Wheel Horse Family

[12Horse Paladin 1,038]

Just to let you all know, I have been reading your posts & I thankyou, n will respond more 2morro...

She just sent me a txt saying 'sorry, im exhausted, can we talk tomorrow please?' I of course said yes, get good rest, I loved her, hugs, & goodnight.

Ik, ik...toomuch. 

But I meant every word, tho got no response.

Ive been thru this much similar hell already, what is another day. I keep praying, anyways..

Clara lying next to me, snoring softly.

To bed.

To pray n wait n try my best to hang on.

Its hard, but please believe me, I am trying!

[SPINJIM 1,981]

Don't try to do it alone.   Pray to God for guidance, contact a counselor, call your doctor.  Try everything.   Never give up.   

"When you're going through hell, keep on going.  You might get through before the devil even knows you're there."

 

[Tractorhead 9,064]

The importanst things i learned about that , is you have to be under a continousely nonstressy small jobs.

planting flowers, see others ( what is actually a little terrible) go long way’s with Clara.

keep yourself busy, so that you don‘t have much time to thinking in silent allone.

 

 

I Pray, that your phone call will change things and turn it better for you.

 

 

[12Horse Paladin 1,038]

...just got the txt...'call at 7'...

I am...nervous & scared...

Plz if its not toomuch to ask...

Please pray.

Thankyou.

[Achto 27,509]

Prayers sent. Keep your cool!!

[Tooomuch7 52]

Good luck,hope all works out for you. 

[Pullstart 62,800]

Jason, thank you so much for sharing your pain!  I pray there is a calming feeling over you, that you can find some peace within the eye of your storm.  If at all possible, is there something you can do to ease your mind?  Go fishing?  Paint something?  Smoke some meat?