Cancer One year later. Still Fighting

[D_Mac 8,593]

Well it was one year ago today I went into the hospital for the surgery on my stomach. My journey actually started in Feb when I had a cancerous tumor removed in my throat. In Feb. they removed the tumor, tonsils,and part of my pallet. While in the hospital then ( 10 days) is when they discovered the mass on my pancreas. With the surgery on my throat that cancer was also going to be treated with radiation to the neck and face. 33 rounds. So in Feb I already knew I was in for a fight. The surgery and the radiation on my throat was going to be a hard fight by its self. Now I just found out I have pancreatic cancer as well. So after the throat surgery I was supposed to start my radiation. That changed as now I have to have surgery on my stomach. I cant even begin to tell you what goes through your mind when your being told you have pancreatic cancer. Your not thinking the best I will just leave it at that ,because like I said... words cant describe. So now all of a sudden the throat cancer is like forgotten.

 

So now here we are to this date one year ago. I am being driven to the hospital at 4:30 in the morning by my mother. I didnt speak a word. I am just thinking that maybe it would be best if I just didnt wake up. Is all this going to be worth it? What will my life be like? Will I have a life? Will it be worse then they thought? I am not thinking sunshine and roses. I want to add this in here because I think its important that you have to understand what this does to you mentally. Cancer isnt just physical. It changes EVERYTHING. Mentally , financially, physically... EVERYTHING changes in a snap of a finger. So my surgery lasted 8 hours. They removed half of my pancreas, my spleen, my gallbladder, and a large section of my bowels. i wake up and I have tubes coming out of me everywhere. I mean everywhere and I am stapled up from below my bellybutton to my chest plate. That part is over. They tell me everything went well. I need to get up and walking around. Quicker I do that the quicker they can let me go home. Well understand that it would be hard enough to walk after the surgery but I have a tube going up my nose down into my stomach. I have 3 drain tubes going out of my stomach. I have a catheter coming out of you know where. An IV sewn into my neck and IV in my arm. So lets go for walk. 

 

I am doing very well. I am up walking, climbing the stairs. Doctors, nurses all telling me they cant believe how good I am doing 2 days after the surgery they are talking that maybe I can go home with some home health care. Remeber how things change with the snap of a finger I mentioned before? Well it happened again. Everything that could go wrong started going wrong. i wont go into all the details but I had many complications. During that time I had several other procedures done, I was restricted from any kind of food I was feed through IV, nothing my mouth. It was HELL. I went into the hospital in April and didnt get sent home until June. Everyday thinking what are they going to do to me today ? Whats the bad news going to be today? How much more can I take? Is the worst over? 

 

So June I came home. Was soooo happy to be out of there but so scared to be alone. I still had drain tubes, feeding tube coming out of me. i had a nurse come to my house twice a week. Still very week. Well being home didnt last long. I was home about 2 weeks. When back to emergency I went. I was feeling really weak I had an appointment to see my Surgeon. I went to his office and his Nurse took one look at me and asked if I was ok and I shook my head no. Was all I could do to walk, I had to hold the wall. My blood pressure was 76/40. She quickly got me to Emergency room. Sat there in a wheelchair for 30 mins until they wheeled me back. Took my blood pressure again thats when I saw the panic in their eyes. I was rushed into this little area There was like 8 people working on me all moving very quickly, where they ripped my shirt off and started jabbing IV needles in both arms. This is where I was most scared. I felt myself slipping away. hard to describe it. My vision was going tunnel and what was going through my head was " I went through hell in the hospital and this is how it ends? " Im going to die in the emergency room". Well I didnt die but back to the hospital. I had an infection and a leak from where they stitched my bowels together. Off food again IV feeding an  IV antibiotics. Again imagine whats going through my head. I am wondering how much I can take, but I am taking it, I am still fighting the fight. 

 

So now I am better. I wouldnt say well but better and oh yeah, remember that throat cancer ?  Time to jump back into that fight. They want to start my radiation. 33 rounds to my face and neck. Radiation to the face is no picnic. I still had the feeding tube coming out of my stomach because some people cant swallow during this procedure. feeding tube is to get nutrition in you when you cant get it down orally. So its now Aug. You go everyday Mon - Fri at the same time. They make a mask that forms to your face and they make a mouth guard to try and protect your teeth and the tattoo marks on your chest. You lay on the table,put your mouth guard in, the mask goes over your face and gets snapped into the table so you cant move. There are marks on the mask and tattoo dots on your chest. They line up lasers to your marks so you are in the exact same position every single time you go in. They leave the room and the Radiation starts. First couple times I am thinking this is nothing. I know it gets worse everytime you go. In fact even after the 33rd treatment you are still cookin. its like pulling something out of the microwave. Its still cooking even though its out. So the whole time I am doing radiation I am also going back to the hospital 3 times a week for Laser treatment in my mouth. The laser is supposed to help with the side effects from the radiation. Needless to say the side effects are bad. You cant even swallow your own spit. Thats if you have any spit because it also dries up your saliva. No spit but plenty of heavy white mucus. You cant even spit it out you have to pull it out with your fingers. Plus if you can still eat, I was able to still eat. I didnt use the feeding tube. You cant taste anything. You also get bad sores in your mouth. After my 33rd treatment they asked me if I wanted my mask... I said hell yeah. 

 

Not really sure of my point in writing this. Things are not over. Im still fighting the fight. My life isnt the same as it was. Cancer has taken a lot form me. It has brought me to dark places that I need to scratch and crawl out of. It has taken my livelihood. I can no longer do what I have done for a living my whole life. It has brought me to ruins. I also see the the silver lining. I see how good people can be. My entire stay in the hospital no one ever left the room without asking " is there anything else I can do for you"  Not only did they say it... they actually ment it. The care i got was outstanding and these people were strangers. Not only caring for me but everyone else in that hospital. I am a proud man I dont ask for hand outs but I will take a hand up when I am down. Everyday I struggle to make it all worth it. While asking myself is it worth it? The mental fight is so much harder then the physical one.

 

So here I sit one year after. Hard not to remember what I was feeling that morning driving to the hospital. What all I have gone through. How different my life is now in only one year and what this next year will be like. Still fighting the fight, doing what I have to do. Remembering how quickly like a snap of a finger it can all change again.

 

Edited May 23, 2020 by D_Mac

[squonk 41,030]

You are doing incredible things with the limited resources that you have. What you accomplished with those 2 tractors so far is nothing short of amazing. I don't think i would have tackled either one and I've been a mechanic all my life. Just keep you head up and you know when you need help there are people for you. 

[stevasaurus 22,710]

My prayers with you Sir.  I don't know if I would have the strength to go through all of that.  Usually, that Pancreatic Cancer is in-operable, they must have caught it early enough.  My wife's brother had it...they could not operate.  I just found out last week, our best friend's wife has it...also in-operable.  Dang nasty stuff.

[Cvans 1,009]

Not really sure of my point in writing this.

Because you felt it needed to be said and that's all that matters.  Hope that putting your thoughts into words in some way helped.

Just the fact that your here and able to express your feelings proves that your a fighter and that's a wonderful example to everyone.

Looking forward to hearing from you again and praying the chemo goes well for you. 

 

[RandyLittrell 3,877]

My Dad had cancer and had to have the radiation on his head. My heart goes out to you, as I understand your pain and struggle! I hope you have as little pain as possible and kick that cancer in the nads!! 

 

 

Randy

[roadapples 6,983]

  Prayers your way. I've got a ways to go but you make leukemia seem like a walk in the park. Hang in there....

[D_Mac 8,593]

Well i dont know if its the cancer, corona lock down, or just that I am getting old, but when I woke up this morning I thought today was April 23rd Not May 23rd! Dosnt change my thoughts or what I have gone through but reminds me that I should go buy a big calendar ! I went in a year ago last month ... @Cvans yes sometimes it does help to put in words or say whats on your mind. I live alone and maybe dont express them as much as I should. Im sorry to hear about all others who have family and friends that cancer got the best of them. I want to add one more thing. So after I had my throat surgery and before my stomach surgery I met with my Radiologist for the first time. I sat in the examination room waiting for her. She came through the door with the biggest smile and says " So here you are I have been so excited waiting to meet you" and gives me a hug. Then she tells me " Do you know how lucky you are and how excited I have been to finally meet you?" My spirits were very low at this point. At the beginning of my diagnosis the radiation had always been my biggest fear. Now here is some quack telling me how lucky I am that I have 2 cancers. I didnt get it. Then she tells me " here you are with 2 kinda rare forms of cancer and we are going to talk about your treatment, how we are going to get through this". With a smile and excitement in her voice. Then she looks me right in the eyes and got very serious and says " Do you know how many people who sit where you are sitting and I have to tell them that there isnt any treatment thats going to help them and here you are with 2 cancers and treatment for both". Took awhile for that to sink in. All through my radiation she had that same smile and optimism. I totally understand her words today. I do feel blessed, I know things could have been much worse for me. I know all of this. That being said... there are still those days when I am just scared. Afraid that I am going to have to do it all over again. Hard not to think about... " what if they didnt get it all ?"... " what if it comes back?" ... " what more can they cut out of me?" I hope that I and everyone else have more of the " I feel blessed days"... take NOTHING for granted.

[Tractorhead 9,064]

My mom had Lymphomium, she also was radiated like you.

The doctor firstly meants she have an estimated time of about 4 or maybe 5 years max.

That was her hardest diagnosis she ever gets, because her doctor tells her she had a very aggressive version,

a survive percentage of this type of Cancer is less than 15% in the reality.

While i had strong contact at this time to her, i just can estimate what you have survived.

 

sent my Prayers to you and hopefully can it improve your will and your courage to still fight further.

my Mom survived this type of Cancer now more as 10Years after that.

Actually she has the Status healed, but a bittersweet taste still keeps.

Every year when Flu grows, she prohibits social places.

A Flu at her is mostly stronger than by a normal healthy person

and develops a lot of mindstorms in different Way‘s.

 

since 4years later she again begin to develop fine taste like sweet, sour, salty and hot again,

before all tastes are like you eat some paper she told me allway‘s.

She also can smell things again as before but also that depends to final about 3Years.

some things come quicker, some things need their time to recover.

 

I wish you all the best and a continousely grown health status and a good convalescent.

Never give up the fight!👍

I will pray for you to sent you the Strenght to do that without too much Pain.

 

[953 nut 55,083]

My wife and I have been blessed with good health and sometimes take it for granted. The journey you have gone through this past year would have left most of us feeling bitter, your positive attitude is commendable. 

1 hour ago, D_Mac said:

I met with my Radiologist for the first time. I sat in the examination room waiting for her. She came through the door with the biggest smile and says " So here you are I have been so excited waiting to meet you" and gives me a hug. Then she tells me " Do you know how lucky you are and how excited I have been to finally meet you?"

If I ever need a Radiologist I hope I can have her as my doctor.

[Achto 27,505]

My prayers go out to you sir. I locked horns with a squamous cell carcinoma on my tonsil, larynx, & tongue in 2003. No surgery for me, my treatment called for radiation and chemo. One great day for me months after treatment was when I bit into a cucumber and could actually taste it. By the second bite the flavor was gone again, it may seem like a small thing but at the time I thought it was one of the greatest things that had happened to me since I was diagnosed. Still have some issues with dry mouth and the taste of salt is very faint at best. But I'm still kickin' so those seem like minor sacrifices to me. Keep your spirits up & relish every victory that you get.

[oliver2-44 9,693]

Prayers sent my friend.  Our good Lord is waking every step of the way. 
You make each of us stronger  May those tractors Continue to be the therapy you need. 

[WHNJ701 4,165]

wish you the best,  keep up the fight

I agree tonsils are evil, I was 21 and they got super infected and had to get them yanked out

[D_Mac 8,593]

3 hours ago, roadapples said:

  Prayers your way. I've got a ways to go but you make leukemia seem like a walk in the park. Hang in there....

My prayers with you as well. Stay strong.

 

53 minutes ago, Achto said:

 Still have some issues with dry mouth and the taste of salt is very faint at best. But I'm still kickin' so those seem like minor sacrifices to me. Keep your spirits up & relish every victory that you get.

I have same issues. My mouth is always dry but in the back of my throat I have mucus. Always have to spit it out. My taste has come back but it took a long time. After the surgery anytime I tried to drink something if I didnt swallow tiny sips it would come out my nose. Had to train myself to swallow. I always say I would rather go through what they did to my stomach 10 times then what they did to my mouth and throat one more time.

 

2 hours ago, 953 nut said:

My wife and I have been blessed with good health and sometimes take it for granted. The journey you have gone through this past year would have left most of us feeling bitter, your positive attitude is commendable. 

If I ever need a Radiologist I hope I can have her as my doctor.

Dr Meri Atanas, my radiologist, She was wonderful, Dr Stephen Ettinghausen was my stomach surgeon. he is the man when it comes to pancreatic, stomach, all gastric problems. Dr Paul Topt. My Ear Nose and Throat man. After one minute in his chair on my first visit he was booking me for surgery. He did the surgery on my throat.

I had the A team every step of the way. The nurses and hospital staff made all the doctors work possible. True HEROEs  Every last one of them. 

3 hours ago, Tractorhead said:

My mom had Lymphomium, she also was radiated like you.

 

Prayers to you and your family as well. My story is nothing special.

 

There are far to many people effected by cancer. Either having it themselves or knowing a family member or friend going through it. Not just cancer either. People go through many hardships. Like I said I am blessed my story so far is a good one. I hope i am through the worst of it. I didnt write this for pity. Sometimes I have to think about where I have been to feel better about where I am now. Where I am now isnt as good as where I was 5 yrs ago, but its better then where I was 1 year ago. It isnt alway easy to see the light you just need to never give up looking for it. 

[Cvans 1,009]

Your health care providers, especially your radiologist have been a true blessing. I hope you can continue to receive that type of care. 

[formariz 11,987]

So I have been reading this post for quite  a few times now and although wanting to reply to it, I really cannot find the words to express what I feel or think about it without struggling. Saying I am sorry for all the suffering you are going through is of course the easy and the first though that crosses my mind.You state that you are not sure what the point for writing about it is for you and although I cannot tell you for certain what that is, I do thank you for doing so for I believe I know what that point is for myself at least. We all like to talk about our accomplishments, activities and wonderful lives in general but many times avoid telling others about the not so wonderful things going on with us, myself included. I guess it is a normal human reaction, reasons being whether  because of not wanting to reveal our innermost sufferings, misfortunes or what ever it may be. It takes a bigger person to do that than to just show the "good stuff" for life is not always kind to most of us. I find in your description of such unimaginable life changing suffering inspiration and reason not to be so petty or secretive about things and situations that I myself may or could be in that in no possible way could ever be rightfully mentioned in comparison to yours. More should be reading your post and take it as a good lesson about life and realize that the fact that it can change in a second regardless of how beautiful it is now. It is in my opinion not our accomplishments that contribute the most to human knowledge or well being,but our worst moments in life that not only will teach others to be better to ourselves and others, but will keep others leveled in what are the actual realities of life.

I thank you for writing it and sincerely admire your courage and unyielding spirit, and although I may not be able to reduce your suffering, if you ever have to travel to NYC for any treatment you can directly call on me and I will take you and help you in there in any way you may need.

[D_Mac 8,593]

@formariz First off thank you for your kind words. I appreciate every ones kindness and encouragement. I want to say again I didnt post any of this looking for pity or sympathy. I am no one special. I did nothing special. I did what every single one of you would have done if you were in my situation. In fact I believe some folks here most likely have endured greater hardships then mine. I was reflecting on the " 1 year ago" and how it seemed to me like yesterday in some ways but a long time ago in other ways. How fast everything changed, but how long it seems coming out of it. Also how I feel I am recovering physically at a much faster rate then I am mentally. My body can seem to take a lot of punishment, but my mind is pretty fragile. 

[Pullstart 62,796]

On 5/23/2020 at 12:19 PM, D_Mac said:

I dont ask for hand outs but I will take a hand up when I am down.

that’s an incredible statement right there!  

 

On 5/23/2020 at 12:19 PM, D_Mac said:

 

I can’t imagine what you’ve endured and to see you proud of what you faced and take that mask with a Hell Yeah attitude... that’s something else!  
 

Thank you for sharing what you’ve gone through.  I hope it helps you to bring us along.  Unfortunately I have known too many people to go through chemo and radiation but haven’t ever heard it told like that.  I’ve heard that if the cancer doesn’t kill you, sometimes the treatment feels like it will.  I’m happy to have you here and to see your awesome project work!  Take a break today.  Kick your feet up and relax.  Or take a stroll on a tractor.  Whatever you feel like bud, you’ve earned it!

[D_Mac 8,593]

29 minutes ago, pullstart said:

that’s an incredible statement right there!  

 

I can’t imagine what you’ve endured and to see you proud of what you faced and take that mask with a Hell Yeah attitude... that’s something else!  
 

Thank you for sharing what you’ve gone through.  I hope it helps you to bring us along.  Unfortunately I have known too many people to go through chemo and radiation but haven’t ever heard it told like that.  I’ve heard that if the cancer doesn’t kill you, sometimes the treatment feels like it will.  I’m happy to have you here and to see your awesome project work!  Take a break today.  Kick your feet up and relax.  Or take a stroll on a tractor.  Whatever you feel like bud, you’ve earned it!

 

Hey Kevin ? Do you think you can turn that mask into a grill for the front of my next tractor project? LOL